


Better Luck Next Time, Don't Worry So Much

by orionwrotethis



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hop-centric (Pokemon), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, That is gross, i do not ship hop and leon, i think sibling relationships are important, i wrote this in my notes app, not me dumping all my trauma into hop, sorry King, trainshipping, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:55:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29915847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orionwrotethis/pseuds/orionwrotethis
Summary: Sometimes Hop couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks or the shake in his hands while pouring his freshly brewed coffee.
Relationships: Dande | Leon & Hop, Hop/Masaru | Victor
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	Better Luck Next Time, Don't Worry So Much

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for any typos
> 
> title from the song ‘when i was done dying’ by dan deacon
> 
> i love this song very dearly i have it on my hop playlist (which you can listen to here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2NXYcrmRkijI6dEc4iBArK?si=s96l6dXbTc2V9VTlkvHvBg ) anyway i’ll talk more about this fic in the end notes

Sometimes the days are like this. 

Lonely, cold, like the world has been dipped in a shade of grey. Sitting in silence to relive a headache that weaseled it’s way into your dreams in order to bring you back to the land of the wake. 

Hop was used to these days. Mild depression, his therapist had told him. 

But, he could still work through it. He kept the lights dim and would take some over the counter pain medicine before starting off on whatever professor assistant work he needed to get done. 

Sonia was pretty in tune with these days, sensing the teen’s grim mood almost immediately. She kept quiet and kept her distance. 

It was always better when she was out of the lab during these types of days. 

Sometimes Hop couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks or the shake in his hands while pouring his freshly brewed coffee. 

Sometimes Hop would just sit next to Dubwool, absorbing his partner’s comfort. 

And sometimes he’d look through old texts with Leon—before he had started his gym challenge and before Lee was beatable. 

It’s strange the sort of nostalgia it brought him. 

These texts aren’t like the current distant ones the brothers sent now; both busy with their jobs. They sat on a random messenger app that they downloaded just for each other. These texts were between an older brother who would make time in his schedule to listen to Hop talk about his day, about a new video game, about how Mum had mentioned Lee was coming home for his birthday. 

These texts felt like home. 

On particularly bad days when he couldn’t shake the existential dread of his mere existence and was missing the comfort only an older brother could bring, Hop would open these messages. 

They were nonsense really. No real substance to these messages. 

Except for Hop’s favorite. 

“I’m really lucky to have you as my little brother Hop. I’m so proud of you :)”

He had received this text late on the night of Leon’s birthday. They chatted briefly earlier in the day but the champion was eventually dragged away to go do whatever the beloved Champion of Galar does on his birthday. 

Hop doesn’t know why he got this message, sometimes he didn’t think he deserved this message, yet in never failed to brighten his dull world just a tad. 

So there he sat, on the couch Sonia had but in the lab definitely for decoration purposes only and not so Hop would have a place to sleep should he work late. 

Rotom phone void of the pokemon, Zacian curled up at his feet, Hop opened the messenger app. 

He could feel the weight on his chest—anxious to rid himself of this feeling even just for a moment. 

Scrolling through the app, Leon’s name was nowhere in sight. 

Hop scrolled and scrolled, shutting down the app and reloading in. He search for the stupid screen name his brother had used when making his account—Charizardfan189. 

“This account does not exist.”

Dread pooled in his stomach. 

His breath was caught in his throat. 

Hop’s vision blurred as fat tears escaped. 

His head pounded, his heart was ready to jump out of his chest, and he couldn’t catch his breath. 

Hop could not breathe. 

It was gone. It was all gone. 

He could not breathe. 

All the words of a caring brother, younger, unknowing to what the future lies ahead. Gone. 

He could not breathe. 

He didn’t know when he’d started dialing a number. 

He could not breathe. 

“‘Ello?”

Hop registered the voice of his boyfriend but couldn’t bring himself to say anything. 

“Hop? Hello? Are you okay? Do you need me t-“

“I don’t know what to do Vic.”

“Can you take a deep breathe so you can tell me what’s going on?”

Hop ignored Victor’s words as his own would not stop tumbling out of his mouth. 

“I have nothing and I don’t know what to do. I’m alone and I don’t know—it’s all gone Vic. I need them and they’re all gone. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t-“

A sob tumbled out of his mouth, breaking his mantra. He barely heard the sound of rustling clothes and jingling keys on the other side of the phone. He barely heard the soft counting of the boy he loved so much. 

“Hop, love, are you at home?”

He whined hoping Victor would understand. Words wouldn’t come out, only the pants of a panic attack and the strained sob of a broken teen. 

“I texted Leon, he’s on his way too. I’m gonna get there as fast as I can.”

The words were honest and true but they didn’t bring the same comfort as the words from a stupid text message that’s as sent to a stupid child through a stupid messenger app and it was all stupid, stupid stupid. 

“Hop, stop talking like that. You’re not stupid. This situation isn’t stupid. Can you try breathing slowly for me?”

His sobs were quieting though his heart still pounded. His head hurt a million times more and his teeth chattered from how much he was shaking. 

But he was calming down. He started the breathing exercises his therapist had taught him. The exercises that he’d practiced with Victor a handful of times. 

He tried grounding himself, looking around the lab and really seeing. 

He saw Zacian pacing. 

Right. He’d only brought Zacian to the lab. Hop wasn’t planning on being long, so he didn’t want to wake the rest of his team. Zacian has always been an early riser so it was easy to bring her along. 

He distinctly remembered looking fondly at his party snuggled close together in his room before trudging through his house and out the door. Mum wasn’t up yet so he left quietly, planning on skipping breakfast in favor for a mug of coffee at the lab. 

He’d remembered the silent walk was Zacian at his side, the dull thundering of a headache and exhaustion from a sleepless night stopping Hop from enjoying the sunrise. 

He’d remembered that Zacian still didn’t really know how to help Hop through his bouts of despair and anxiety. 

Hop felt guilty. 

But his breath was steady once more. 

“‘Kay.”

“Okay. Can you explain to me what’s wrong now?”

Zacian approached her trainer again. Sitting at his feet, nudging his free hand to pet her. 

Hop complied. 

“I had messages from Lee. They-they’re old and stupi-“

“Not stupid.”

“and just texts but I need them Vic. I have nothing without them.”

Hop felt his vision blur again. The rhythmic motion of petting Zacian was the only thing keeping him from spiraling again. 

“What about your texts now?”

“It’s not the same!” Hop paused, blood running cold at his own shout. “I-I’m sorry for yell, uh, yelling. It’s just- I can’t. It’s-“

He felt like ripping out his hair but he was petting Zacian and hold his Rotom phone sans Rotom so his hair was safe from his own aggression for now. 

“It’s okay, Hop. I’m almost there and I’m sure Lee is too.”

“At the lab.”

“I gathered.” Victor’s small chuckled was a breath of fresh air, the light coloring his grey world. 

A drop of sunlight from whatever gods ruled over their sorry existence. It made him wonder why Victor would ever chose to stay with Hop; to love Hop. 

Hop was merely a plastic shell of forced optimism. Using his never stop attitude to avoid the self loathing thoughts that plague every quiet moment. Hop was a sorry excuse of a person who relied far too heavily on pixels from a time long past. He was tired. 

“Hop. I’ve just landed at the pokemon center, I’m headed over to the lab right now.”

Hop hummed. He felt apathetic from the emotional whiplash of the past 20 minutes. He didn’t feel like talking anymore, he just wanted to sleep and pretend this never happened. Pretend none of this ever happened. 

Pretend that Leon was still the unbeatable champion and not the ever busy chairman of the pokemon league. Pretend Dubwool was still just a little Wooloo, not afraid that Hop would abandon him the second he thought the pokemon was too weak. Pretend that he was still just friends with Victor, not that being boyfriends was bad, it just meant that all the bad stuff happened and it’s always much better to pretend it didn’t. 

There was a knock on the front door to the lab. Victor had hung up on their call unbeknownst to Hop. 

He wished he had a psychic type pokemon to open the door for him. Or just a pokemon with thumbs. He wished he hadn’t locked the door. 

Hop lugged his lazy bones off the couch, swaying dizzily for a moment. Zacian was glued to his side should Hop fall but the room faded back into existence just as quickly as it faded out. 

He and Zacian walked together to the door, the professor’s assistant painfully reminded of his loud headache. It was bearable—annoying but bearable. 

Though Hop didn’t know if his definition of bearable would match Victor’s or Leon’s. 

They would both probably mother him to death about not taking care of himself properly. 

He was at the door now. Hand sat on the handle. 

Lazily he opened the door to be meant with worried honey eyes. Victor was still shorter than him but definitely stockier. He could probably pick up Hop and toss him across the wooloo fields should he chose. Though Hop’s always been on the lankier side; never able to build muscle quite like Leon. 

Strong arms wrapped themselves around his chest. He hadn’t even registered that Victor was moving them back until the champion shut the door behind him with his foot. 

Hop hugged back tentatively. One could assume it was a soft, delicate circle of his arms around his lover but if you knew better, you’d see the exhaustion in his bones and the shake of his hands. 

“I love you.”

Victor’s voice was muffled into Hop’s t-shirt but the words were genuinely and filled with passion. 

“I love you, Hop. I don’t know what happened but you’re not alone. You have me, you have your team and your family, you have Sonia, your research, you’re not alone.” Victor pulled back from their hug only to gently grab Hop’s face, forcing eye contact. “It’s okay to not know what to do, that’s normal. I barely know how to be a champion but look at me! It’s not stupid to get like this sometimes but you gotta start taking care of yourself so it doesn’t get this bad.”

Breaking eye contact and removing his hands from the taller boy’s cheeks, Victor patted Zacian on the head. “Did I cover everything?”

The pokemon huffed in confirmation, satisfied that his person had some who cared so much for him. 

Another knock came from the door. 

Hop stood still as Victor turned and opened the door. He was still processing the words said to him, the love shown to him. 

Leon with his wide, worried eyes entered his field of view. No words said as Hop floated over. Tears silently began pouring over his cheeks. 

Leon fiercely grabbed his little brother in his arms, hugging tightly. 

Hop sobbed into the arms of his brother. 

His brother who was here, in his lab. His brother who he used to text daily when they were much younger before all the bed things, before Leon was the chairman. His brother who randomly texted that he’d loved Hop, that he was proud of Hop, out of the blue. Hop hadn’t believed he’d done anything to deserve the kind words but he would stare at them for hours on end, basking in the comfort they brought him. 

Leon was still taller than him. Leon was still stronger than him. Leon was still more important than him. 

Leon was still his older brother. 

Hop sobbed and sobbed, trying desperately to produce any sort of coherent words, yet none came. 

Leon soothed his baby brother the best he could. Calling him the nicknames of their childhood, rocking slightly, rubbing cirlces into his back. It was nostalgic of a time long gone. A time when Leon grew up too early and became something akin to a parent for Hop. A time when he was just a boy of southern Galar and not the face of the whole region. 

Hop calmed, a hiccup here and there as he caught his breath. 

“I’m sorry.”

Leon shushed his brother. “No need to apologize. Sounds like you needed a good cry, huh?”

Hop nodded into his brother’s chest, not brave enough to remove himself from the comfort of his arms. 

“What happened Hopscotch?”

“I lost some old t-text messages.”

“What can we do about?”

Hop shrugged. 

“So they’re lost forever?”

Hop nodded, still opting to stay silent. 

“Well, do you remember what they said?”

Hop nodded again, a bit more shyly this time. 

“Then it sounds to me that my super smart baby brother will get over this little hurdle.” A chuckle rumbled from Leon’s chest. 

Hop hid his face more so into his brother’s chest, bashful of the compliment being handed to him. 

“Right, now that we’ve solved that problem, I’m hungry,” He pushed his brother from his chest holding him out at arms length. “Have you had breakfast yet, Hoppip?” 

Red nosed and puffy eyed, Hop shook his head. The weight had been lifted, being carried by his two favorite people. They were lighting his path, bring the color back into his worldview. 

Victor sat on the coach, giving attention to Zacian in order to let the brothers have their moment. 

Leon looked at him with all the love and admiration in the world. A smile dance on his face. Not the smile of the champion or of a celebrity, but the smile of Leon. 

Leon; big brother to Hop. 

Genuine. Good. 

“I love you Hop. And I’m super proud of how you’ve grown. I’m so lucky to have you as the best baby brother a big brother could ask for.”

Hop smiled. 

Sometimes he didn’t believe those words were meant for him. Like he were a fraud, undeserving of praise. He’s done nothing extraordinary, not like Victor and certainly not like Leon. He was just Hop. He would forever just be Hop. 

But that doesn’t mean it must be a bad thing. Sure, Hop had days where all the color in the world were drained right from his very eyes and days where silence was the only thing soothing his pounding headache. There were days where silence would just create and echo chamber in his mind of all the ugly things he thought about himself and days were his face hurt from smiling so wide.

Sometimes being Hop was good. 

Someday he would believe the words from a text message of years past. Someday he would believe the words coming for Leon’s own lips. Someday he wouldn’t have to rely on the memory of a time before the bad things happened—he would look and see what was right in front of him. 

“I love you too, Lee.”

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is very personal to me
> 
> i’m abt to overstate on the internet so tw for suicide
> 
> my oldest brother shot himself in the head the day after christmas. i was talking with his the day before bc it was christmas and that’s what you do during the holidays. we were planning on hanging out, specifically we were planning on having a pokemon battle on swsh. i’ll never get to have that battle with him because he is dead. 
> 
> every week i would go back through our snapchat messages. he was always changing his phone number so it was just easier this way. it was mainly mundane conversation about video games and when he was coming back home. But there was one message that i clung to. 
> 
> “i’m glad to have you as my little sibling loser” 
> 
> yesterday, i needed to see that message but when i opened the app, his account was deleted. all of our conversation gone. i was home alone. i didn’t know what to do. i still don’t know what to do. his words were the only thing i had left of him and they’re gone. 
> 
> i don’t have a victor to console me. i do have a leon tho, my other brother. the only other person who’s feeling the same as i do. i have told him yet. i don’t know if he already knows or not. 
> 
> our dog died three weeks ago too. he was 17. our first dog. so seeing my brother’s words erased from everything on top of me dealing with his death and my dog’s death, i broke. 
> 
> i had a panic attack i didn’t sleep. i still haven’t slept. i still feel like i can’t breathe. i don’t know what to do, how to cope. 
> 
> it took me an hour to write this. this is my only outlet. i have nothing left. 
> 
> i hope this story wasn’t too depressing. i wanted to bring a bright side to it all. i wanted to imagine that he’s still here and he’s still gonna be glad we’re siblings. that’s all.


End file.
